Clarence Thomas Collapses from Exhaustion After First Full Day of Regulating Himself
Photograph by Chip Somodevilla / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Clarence Thomas collapsed from exhaustion after putting in what he described as a “punishing day” of regulating himself under the Supreme Court’s new code of conduct.
Although critics have called the Court’s new rules “toothless” and “unenforceable,” the strain of regulating his own behavior forced Thomas to repair to his bed, from which he spoke to reporters.
“People said that we Supreme Court Justices were going easy on ourselves by issuing a code of conduct that only we could enforce,” he said. “Well, all I can tell you is, regulating my behavior turns out to be a freaking full-time job.”
“I had no idea how egregious my behavior was until I was put in charge of regulating myself,” he said. “I’m really something of a rascal.”
He said that other Justices were struggling with the arduous self-regulatory demands of the code of conduct. “As rough a time as I’ve had, I wouldn’t trade places with Brett Kavanaugh,” he said.
As for his immediate plans, Thomas said that, once he regains his strength, he will take a “much-needed break” from regulating himself aboard Harlan Crow’s hundred-and-sixty-two-foot yacht.